I have lots of un-nice things to say today, but if I don’t say them and put them down, I’m going to burst. The last week or so has really, really sucked. Why I ever decided to get married, have kids, work at a job that I can’t leave at work… you fill in the blank… is why.
Marriage really, really sucks. My husband has been traveling for work the last week and a half - only home a few days during that time. While he’s gone I know he’s busy and I know he’s working hard, but while I’m home dealing with sick kids and etc, it would just be nice if he’d actually talk to me. When he is home, it’d be nice to get some attention rather than a pity party for him because I’m not tired yet and don’t feel like going to bed. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to rather than the cold shoulder I’ve had to deal with all weekend. It’d be nice for him to actually want to have sex with me rather than ignoring me and staring at a stupid show we’ve watched forty times before. It’d really be nice if he actually acknowledged all that I do for him and his sons, rather than accuse me of tension and hating the boys. I care a lot for the boys. If I didn’t I would not go out of my way to make special meals only on the weekends they’re here (when it’s just the girls it’s leftovers or scavenge for yourself around here). I wouldn’t care about their activities and blow off things the girls would rather do (wrestling or shopping/doing girlie things – which do you think we’d RATHER be doing?). If I didn’t care about the boys, I wouldn’t BOTHER trying to parent. Why is it that I get grilled about whether I’ve changed the cell phone plan or called my lawyer or returned/ordered something from a store after a super long busy day at work, but if he hasn’t done something simple I can’t ask him – I’m just nagging?! If I didn’t care about his happiness, why is it that I run around shopping and buying him stuff and then going to HIS family’s events rather than relaxing and doing what I want with my weekends? It’s not that I don’t want to do these things – I’d just like a little attention, a little something in return for another week of him being away and me being home alone and taking care of the kids while he’s gone/busy. Why do I feel like texting his ex or meeting up with a renter takes precedence before me? Yes, I may sound like a baby or an attention whore – but don’t I deserve my husband’s attention/adoration?
I love being a mom – most days. There are some days that I just wish kids knew it was not the right time to throw a fit or ask a million questions. This week Jr.Ms.S was sick so I was giving her a little more attention than LMS and LMS decided to throw a bunch of fits because everyone hated her. She’s also at that age where she has to ask a MILLION and ONE questions everyday and it’s just not very convenient when I’m trying to work from home. Why is it that kids decide to throw fits in front of your husband’s ENTIRE family because he went behind my back and asked his dad for a soda when I already said no? Then I look like the ass. I’m ALWAYS outnumbered, why can’t I have SOMEONE on my side, rather than thinking it’s funny or cute that they’re punching each other in the face? Kids just suck sometimes.
Work has been tough lately, everyone is crazy busy, which is great in a down economy and everything, but I’m working my butt off with no promise of a raise or a break anytime in the near future and when I need to not skip days when my daughter can’t go to school, or for snow days, I get criticized by my husband. I have to work - I have to keep my job (and get a second one on top of it), so I’m sorry I can’t leave my main source of income behind at the office like you can. I just don’t have that kind of security.
Maybe it’s the long butt winter we’ve already had getting to me, maybe I am an attention whore and I’m acting like a baby, but I don’t care – why is it that I’m the b-i-t-c-h in all of the above situations? Don’t I deserve some support and attention? Shouldn’t some of my needs/wants come before others sometimes? Why is it that if I try to do that, I’m the bad guy?
Ugh! I give up.
What makes you give up all hope?
Just found your blog!
ReplyDeleteAnd, oh my goodness, can I just say that you are INCREDIBLE? I can't imagine having a single child at this point in my life, let alone FIVE, and working through a new marriage and being a step-parent on top of anything. I sure hope your family appreciates what you're doing for them!
Sorry to hear that things have been kind of rough--I can sympathize (a little bit, although you for sure have way more on your plate than I do!). My husband recently started working for a startup, and I'm not used to the long hours he's working, and then when he comes home he still has work to do. And, of course, I want to be first, all the time. I want his complete attention. :)
I hope things pick up for you soon--it sounds like you're doing an AMAZING job!
@Kelly, Thanks for understanding what I'm going through. Luckily, if we've learned anything through our marriage so far, it's forgiveness and humbleness. I was at a pretty low point when I wrote this, and my husband didn't realize all that I was feeling, before we went to sleep we were able to work through things. It sucks he has to leave again today. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that thinks I need attention too, it's hard, you want them to be able to rest and relax when they get home, but you also need time too - where is the balance? I guess that's what all of us newlywed's need to figure out.
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