Low..just freaking low...

Okay - I know this is another pity party, but I just don't understand why I can't do anything right.

• I can't lose weight right - I eat fairly well - I know I need to get more exercise but when am I suppossed to do that between working my full time job, part time job, doing the kid stuff, cleaning house, etc? Please tell me where that fits in and doesn't interfere with sleep - if I lose that - I'll be screwing up more than I already am right now.
• I'm not a good mom - LMS has been sick the last couple of days. For the most part the kids are very healthy - the last week or so, they've all been passing some cold around. LMS has had a fever on and off for three days now. I sent her to school yesterday - she probably should have stayed home, but NO - I HAD to go to work. I did call into my other job since there was no one to watch her, but she's still not better. I left her home today with Mr S while I went to JrMsS's BB tournament, but that didn't help - she woke up this evening with another fever! Guess I need to take her in tomorrow.
• I'm also a bad mom because the whole time I was at the BB tournament - I was stressing about not getting work done and complained through text the whole time to Mr S about how much my butt and back hurt from sitting in the bleachers all day. They played some really tough teams and I cheered of course - but being there today was the LAST place I wanted to be. How horrible is that?!!
• I can't heal right - I'm still hurt from last November and now the kids have passed me some cold - my head is so full of "cotton" it's not even funny. I feel like crap!
• I can't be a good wife - I really have no idea why Mr. S is with me. I'm a stress ball all the time, I'm hurt by tings he's done/not done and so I take that back out on him. Because he's OBSESSED with something - I HATE it. that's horrib;e - right?
• The worst of my lows right now is work - I'm so sick of my f-ups! Yesterday I was suppossed to pull a survey from a website for work. I left work early to pick up LMS (trying to be a good mom), but I was only able to pull the links to it before my stupid ass internet gave out (I don't know why it's been such a pain - that and my stupid remote connection to work). I figured I was fine since the only way to get to the survey was if you knew the freaking page name! Of course not - I'm not that lucky - while I was at the tournament - someone freaking found it and submitted a survey. The worst of it is that our client is a SPAZ and freaks about the littlest things. The other day they made me add this SPAZ lady to the email submissions - so there's no way to even TRY to cover/spin what happened. What is freaking wrong with this picture?! I STRESS about work and totally ignore my life half the time for it - when I do decide to live my life and support my kids and not worry about work - shit like this happens!!! I emailed my boss and others that will get chewed by our stupid ass client when they call (I screwed up a public email a couple weeks ago that they got chewed out for - I didn't realize it until they got the call - GOD!) I still don't think everything will be okay though. I'm probably screwing myself at work - I'm so screwed...

So, seriously, I feel like shit right now and I don't know how to fix any of this...

Unknowns

I hate the unknown. I hate change. I hate not having control of my situation. All of these things put me in a really bad mood and make me REALLY edgy. Unfortunately Mr. S and the kids have had to bear the brunt of my edgy-ness (okay, lets call it what it is...my bitchy-ness). Stress also ups the short temper/lack of patience, etc and I'm UNDER A LOT of stress rightn now. I know it's not right and I know they really shouldn't have to deal with me being this way and I REALLY do try, but it's just too much right now.

My biggest unkown is my job. My co-worker left on Friday and this week has been a real-stresser worrying about what I don't know and how I'm going to handle problems with web sites and databases, etc. I know more than anything I just doubt myself and once I'm in the middle of it - I'll do fine - that's usually the way it ends up, but it's just the stress and the change that I can deal with right now. I'm also working on a project that has been a real "cluster" from the beginning. I'm suppossed to lead this Navigator Program for the public, but it's not even designed yet. The project HAD to launch Friday partly because they want some pilot participants, but also because there is a recall election for the mayor this week and he wants to make it look like he's doing a bunch of good things for the city (he sucks - kick him out please - I'd vote him out, but I don't live there). So now I have 14 people signed up and have no clue what I'm suppossed to do with them. Nothing has been designed. I guess we'll all figure it out together. I know this will all work out, again, it's just the "unknown".

I'm also having a weird health problem. This my be too much TMI, but I've been bleeding/spotting for the last couple of weeks. I went to my Dr's Nurse Practitioner a week and half ago, but because nothing was happening at the time, she couldn't tell me anything. So yesterday I started bleeding really heavy and had blood clotting (sorry, I know this is gross but it's freaking me out). I went into urgent care, they took some blood and urine to rule out infections, stds, pregnancy and it's none of that (I knew it wasn't the middle one, whatever). The dr thinks it's either a hormone thing and I need to change my birth control (sucks - this is the ONLY kind that's worked for me without side effects) or I have an ovarian cyst (since I have some pain on my left side). He said to make an appt with my regular dr ASAP so she can rule it out. So of course I came home and googled cysts which most of them are absolutely fine, they go away in a few months/weeks, even if you have to have surgery it's not that bad, but still - it's an unknown - I don't know what the heck is wrong with me and I hate it. Guess I'll make an appt tomorrow and see what she says.

Do unknowns and change bother you?

I'm an Aunt again!

Welcome baby Aden!

I became an aunt again at 2021 EST yesterday - 8:21 PM for those not familiar with military time :) He's a BIG boy too: 8 lbs 8 oz! My oldest daughter was 8 lbs 4 oz, so close. I'll post pictures when I get them emailed to me (my "fancy" phone doesn't let me save text pics to my SD card - so much for "fancy", right Mr. S?)
How many times have you become an aunt?

Fill in the Blank Friday

1. Blogging is my sounding board, the place I can go and say just about anything and vent or share excitement about something - even when no one close to me cares - it matters to me - so I'm putting it out there.

2. A current fashion trend I wish I was brave enough to wear is - this is hard - I'm so not "trendy" - I have my own style for the most part because I don't have the fashion model body (even if I did used to model). I think I carry my style well, but there are many times when I've seen fads and have been very jealous that I don't have the body type to carry it off.

3. My greatest accomplishment in life thus far is making my own way. I haven't taken the "normal" path - I've had to work hard for everything I have and know. I've made it through some really hard times, especially as a single mom, and I've come out shining (in my opinion).

4. If I had to choose between a mountain or a beach vacation I'd choose - it'd be SO close - I can't chose - I love a good beach vacation (I So want to go back to Mexico), but I've missed not having our ski vacation, so I want to say mountain too. Maybe things will get easier this year (yeah right) and we'll get to take both vacations. :)
Would it be this....

 ...or that...

...I'll take both please!

5. A talent I wish I had is a design eye/creative bone in my body. As I said, I'm so not trendy and I have such a hard time decorating my house and coming up with creative ideas. I'm so jealous of people that can pull creative stuff off so easy (at least it looks that way).

6. A talent I do have is being organized (for the most part). Most people in my situation would lose it with all of the appointments, meetings, games, school activities, pta meetings and everything else I have to keep track of - on top of the house and work stuff. I think I have a pretty good balance of things so that I don't become too jumbled.

7. This week is finally over...thank goodness!

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. How would you fill in the blanks?

Catching up

It's amazing how much we rely on the electronics around us (I know I'd be LOST without my Android now). New Years Day our router decided to crap out on us and it took us several calls with the internet company, a new router, and several more calls with the internet provider to finally get going again. So now that we're back in business and I have a free evening, here's what the Snowflakes have been up to the last couple of weeks:

My parents had to go back to AZ :( It was nice to have them around - I feel bad that we hardly did anything, mostly because I felt so crappy most of the time. We did get to have a nice dinner their last night here.

Playing with the panoramic again :)

Too close to home

There have been two tragedies in the last week that have hit way too close to home.

In Omaha last week some kid decided life was just too hard and he took out his failures on the people that tried to discipline him (http://www.ketv.com/video/26379767/detail.html). Luckily, that's all he took it out on - whenever you hear "school shooting" it strikes so much fear in a parent. I know it wasn't my kids' school, but my heart goes out to all of the other parents that had to fear their child was injured...or worse. When did it become okay for kids to do this? When they took spankings out of school? I know I had a few spankings at my private schools. Was it when they took God and prayer out of schools? I understand that there are people with other beliefs, but that is why we're such a diverse/well-rounded country. Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean that I can't - I don't get angry that you believe in whatever you do. It really sucks that someone that cares so much for kids is now removed.

I am proud of my girls though. When they heard about it, they asked lots of questions and couldn't understand why anyone would be THAT stupid. They couldn't understand why someone wouldn't see a way out of their troubles (shouldn't they talk to a teacher? why didn't he talk to his mom?). When I explained that as a teenager, someday they will think they will be in a hole so deep that they won't be able to get out of it. I told them there is always a way - no matter how sad or how much trouble they are in - there's no reason for acting out or commiting suicide. They still didn't understand why anyone would feel that way, but I hope conversations like these will help open the door for when they are going through hard times.

Another "close to home" event was the shooting in Tucson, AZ(http://azstarnet.com/news/local/article_db6ef3c9-6656-5c38-a81d-c549a21637dd.html). I grew up there, my parents live very close to this place and my mom almost always goes grocery shopping on Saturday. I didn't hear about it until Sunday (I was out grocery shopping and running errands on Saturday myself), I figured I would have heard something sooner if something had happened to my parents, but I had to call my mom and make sure. It's just so, so sad that some pyscho can change everything in an instant. Where is it safe anymore? My heart goes out to all of the victims and expecially their parents - I can't even imagine losing one of my children so young.

Where have our values and morals gone? When did behavior like this become acceptable? Why aren't any of these people stopped before it gets this bad?

Just know (as I told my girls and contrary to what I said Friday night), there is no hole that is too deep, or a situation so bad that it can't get better. For every low there is a high, even if you're going through a bad time - did you know that generally people "think" they have a pretty happy life? Humans are built to "forget" the bad/painful so that the memories become more dull and the good stands out so much more. So remember, just because you feel like crap today or you're in a bad situation, you'll be okay - it ALWAYS gets better.

Why I hate wrestling...

Okay I'm going to sound bad so I need to preface this with I love my stepsons and would do just about ANYTHING for them. Just want to make that clear. Top ten reasons why wrestling sucks:
1. Crowds, crowds, and more crowds
2. Once you actually get a seat you have to fight all day to keep it.
3. You always sit in front of the loudest woman in the world that screams at her son in your ear all day.
4. Have to avoid the stupid ex - my luck today we ended up on the same freaking row of bleachers until I could find us new seats.
5. The food SUCKS. Seriously - couldn't get bagged salad cheaper than bags of fritos and chili for walking tacos?
6. Testoserone and WAY too much of it. Yet when any of them lose they always cry like girls.
7. Noise - you can't hardly even hear the person beside you talking.
8. What is the point of a sport where boys get bent backwards and hurt? How is that considered fun?
9. LONG days sitting on a hard bench - bought chairs this year but do we EVER have them when I need them? NO
10. Did I mention the crowds?
What sport do you hate most?

Bullets for Friday

I have WAY too much to catch up on - so for now, I'll just bullet the last week and a half:

• Sorry I haven't been around lately - our stupid router took a dive last week and we didn't figure it all out for a few days (and after MULTIPLE calls with our stupid service provider). Bought a new one yesterday and it's SO great to be back into cyber-world. So we're back and after another round of calls to the service provider and arguing with them about the data transfer - we were being charged for the data transfer twice of what we were getting. Butt holes! After Mr. S fought with them over the phone - we now have TWICE as much data transfer - yay us!
• Okay, so let's start with the good news - I got a pretty nice raise this week. It's nice to know that management sees how hard I work and is willing to recognize it with this.
• At work tonight I picked up my last two paychecks (kept forgetting to get them - they were only $13 each) and attached to my "Christmas" one was an envelope with a $20 bonus. Yeah, it's not much, but I NEVER would have expected a bonus there - again, so nice to know that management recognizes hard/quality work and rewards it (yes, even $20 is a reward).
• For the first time EVER I got all of my Christmas decorations down before New Years - it was so nice to "ourge" the house of the clutter.
• That's all I got for good - so on to so-so: We didn't really celebrate New Years which really disappoints me. I LOVE New Years. Of all the dorky, Hallmark holidays (Valentines, Halloween, etc), New Years is my favorite. We stayed in and Mr. S went to bed at 11 pm even though he promised to stay up. He promised to give me a New Years kiss when I came to bed, but he couldn't even roll over to do that for me. Really disappointing.
• I don't know, it's probably just me, but things between us seem to be back in the blah zone - why do marriages have to be like this? All I want is a LITTLE attention rather than treating me like his stupid chew toy - sorry, I don't know how else to decribe it. It's like if I give up the effort (or am SO stressed out I can hardly breathe) - he doesn't pick up the slack - why?
• So the bad - My co-worker quit this week. We were already at super capacity with work and now I have to cover BOTH of our jobs. We're looking for a replacement, but I'm stressing so bad that it'll be like trying to replace my last job - it took 4 months! I can't go 4 months without help...
• This probably should have been in my so-so list but, since she's leaving, my boss is going to push for more training/education for me so I can be a better designer/web developer. This is great except - when the hell am I suppossed to do it!!!??? Since I'll be working like 70+hours a week for a while and with all of my family/kids/part-time job responsibilities, I DON'T have the time! I know it will work out - I just don't know how.
• So, I'm so stressed out that I kind of bit back at one of the PM's at work - probably my BIGGEST supporter. He's very different from others - if you make a good impression he's your biggest advocate/supporters, but if you come off on the wrong foot or are unprofessional, then he's gonna boot you so far you won't know what happened to your career. I've been continuing to "support" him ever since the new girl started - she screwed up with him and you only get one chance. He asked me to do something the other day when I was SO overwhelmed and for the FIRST time I said no. I think it upset him. So I decided to try to search out the perfect person to support him. Yesterday I spent an HOUR going over some project initiation sheets with her so she could help him. I told her to pre-fill them in and then he'd mark them up. So today she called me down so we could both go to his office. What did this idiot do? She brings OLD forms - I have never actually seen him "boot" people and I was SO surprised the rumors were true - I couldn't believe how fast this admin got booted out the door and then he spent another 45 minutes going on about how incompetent she is. Wow! How am I ever going to be able to move on with all of these incompetent people not being able to help me out?
• My crappy ex is bugging me again. He sent me some stupid Facebook message about wanting to talk in person (wait..I thought Facebook was a place for communicating). Why would I want to talk to him in person? I can't stand seeing him across the rotunda at court, why would I want any conversation with him? Then he has the gall to tell me he has different priorities now than when he was 27. Really - took him 10+ years longer than EVERYONE else on this planet to figure out he should have priorities? And why should I "trust" him now? He needs to get the hell out of mine and the girls' lives. And, he didn't even ask to see the girls - it was all about HIM and how HE needed to be able to support himself. Ugh! On top of that, my crappy-ass lawyer BARELY got our court date rescheduled today when I HAD TO call and remind him. There's another dumb-ass I need to get out of my life.

I guess that's it for now. I'll have more tomorrow...
What do you do when you feel so hopeless?